It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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