wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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