I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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