My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
