Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
