Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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