Only a mothe r could love this liver
farters have to be the big spoon...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.