The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
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Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
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I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.