Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
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Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
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He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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