you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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