Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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