i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
