mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
