Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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