The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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