he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
