Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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