apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
