my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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