one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last