I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
