Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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