The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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