i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
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It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
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Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head