Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.