i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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