Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
