how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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