I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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