What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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