They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
