I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
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I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
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I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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