Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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