Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
