I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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