and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
