There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Girls should come with a carfax report
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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