I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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