the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
