1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
