I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
