guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
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I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
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You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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