What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
