Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
