I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
