Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
