Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
