what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
