Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
