I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
