I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
