Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So many bounce houses so little time
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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