my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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