if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
