how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
