so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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