if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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