the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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