I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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