Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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