I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
