Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
