My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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